new job?

Starting a new job’s got me thinking things like this:

Be prepared to tell your co-workers that you do not know what you are doing and feel really scared about it. Mercy!!!

As I face a new job these are the animals that run through my brain-space.

Fear Kitten number one: Will they like me?

FK2: What if I make a bad start and they don’t let me recover?

KF3: The commute and schedule will suck.

FK1: But what if they don’t like me?!

FK2: I’ll never be able to relax again! It will be too much going on. I suck at desisionmaking!

FK3: Well all he scary things could happen on the same day.

FK2: NOOOOO!

FK1: I want a hug.

FK4: Vomit.

FK2: No, not vomit!

FK4: Vomit, vomit!

FK3: Yeah vomit.

FK2: Disgusting!

FK1: I don’t want vomit. I want a hug.

FK4: Vomit, feel better.

FK3: Ooo! I’m gonna keep us up telling stories tonight!

FK2: No we need sleep!

FK4: Vomit, then sleep, all better!

FK2: A hug would be less messy. Let’s give FK1 a hug, ok.

FK4: I still wanna vomit.

FK2: vomit tomorrow.

FK4: grrr.

and so it goes, forever.

The Knowledge point

And finally the last point to consider in this room. The knowledge point is about things we study.

Facing the point

The door to the room is in this corner and that ladder I haven’t moved yet—oh and the glass break detector for the alarm system. Interesting, I hadn’t considered the presence of the alarm system element in that corner, hmm. I will move the ladder now. I may move a painting onto that wall. I wrote a prayer on the door. All of that makes sense for this corner.

OK, taking out the ladder revealed a pile up of dust and reminded me that today I sweep out the ground floor of the house. So I started that but came back to finish this because I have to finish this for discipline reasons.

Any way this is not the challenging angle from the center this area looks clear and aside form the security system thing there isn’t much I’d want to change. I think because the sensor is about sound and not motion I could maybe mask it so it’s not so present? Come to look at it now it seems to be either really dirty or falling apart. Sigh

From the point

I am now looking into the rest of the room from the point. About 45% of the room is masked by a book case that forms a sort of entrance nook to this room. The book case is cluttered. It has become a catchall kind of place. I really need to get rid of as much as I can from it. Oh! The trash can is hear too because this is where Dad expects to find it. It might make better sense to have it on the other side, or I could take to leaving the trash can in the hall on Thursdays.

So going through the stuff on this book case would be great. You know, I could use this corner as a ritual place. When the door is closed it feels like this could make sense. Though I don’t know how loud I would get because of the other humans in this house.

conclusions

This survey of my room has been interesting. It really has helped to open up the floor space and that has been important to me. I have a feeling of freedom when the floor is clear and easy to sweep. The things aren’t all off the floor but what is on the floor is contained in one area instead of covering access to all the walls. I just can’t with that!

I can now look at the notes from all of this and do the few things that stood out as important to getting this space reflecting my current situation and then from there I can let things develop.

The Career point

Lets do this!

Ok to be honest last week I hit the wall with this little exploration. There is so much going on in my life right now. All the pre-pandemic stuff is back now and boy I don’t know if that’s so great. What I’ve discovered through this project is that six weeks is my work period. Meaning that after six weeks on working on a series I need to take a week off. Anyway, career.

facing the point

The career point is in my closet. Most of the time this is covered with a curtain but for this exercise I will open that and see what I see. Naturally I see cloths and some bedding I have stored in there. The only major edit I would make is getting baskets or boxes to put the cloths that are on the self in. I can also see about getting rid of the things I don’t use.

You know the kinds of cloths I have totally reflect the career situation. When I was not working it was a minimal wardrobe. Now that I am back in the work force facing the public I’ve had to shift the clothing mix to something more professional looking (whateverthatmeans). After getting baskets or boxes I want to get some more executive grunge hippy cloths in there. I’ve made some silly fabric choices recently. Hopefully I can find some fancy tie-dye stuff that would be board room appropriate. If you want to know that would be called “shibori” trust the Japanese to make anything humble supper artsy.

facing from the point

Ooo, this is fun I am siting in my closet! It’s not too bad, this could be a great place to have a work station actually. The sounds are muffled a bit and people can’t see me here. Any way I see the bed and one window from here and a bookcase but not the really out of control one, that’s block by the curtain. If I push the curtain over I do see part of the above mentioned bookcase. Other than updating the window treatment and getting new bookcases I’m not getting any major edits from here. Cool.

actions from this observation

• get baskets for cloths

• clear out the stuff I don’t use

Travel and Helper Point day 1: facing the point

Great so we have the filing cabinet anchoring that corner now with an assortment of content creator objects on it: a microphone, camera, batteries and stapler. The stapler is vital! Other office objects are clustered into that end of the desk as well. On the floor headed toward the career point is my work bags for one of my classes and above that hangs the calendar and a painting of a phoenix crossing a full moon. There is in the very corner on top of the filing cabinet two toys. The doll my grandmother made for me sits with a much loved unicorn in her lap. Behind the doll is a sketch book. There’s quite a lot going on over here. This is probably the busiest corner of the room. This seems appropriate for what it represents, going places and communication with people.

I might want a desk organizer thing on that end of the desk to contain some of that stuff. Can I move it to the drawer? I have an ink bottle over there that needs to be emptied and thrown out. It has mould growing in it!! I want to get rid of the bag of T-shirts from the one gig but I don’t think I will be able to do it this time. GRRR. I love that the calendar has pictures of other places on it, that’s good. Currently is has one of an ocotillo and so I want to go to the desert. I’ve thought of buying a vacation rental out there for an income property. I don’t have the cashflow for that right now though.

I haven’t traveled much since I was in high school. Usually only going out for family business. But I do think it would be good for me to venture out. I think one way to get me out there is to have a business reason to go, a training, or gig, or something. It’s interesting that that thought of organizing my own trip or just going out without a plan is not how I want to do it. I have no idea how to even start to travel like that. Either one. Maybe the best way is to have a job out there and then venture out a bit from that?

More immediately I am focusing on the helpful people aspect of this point. What kind of helpful persons do I need in my life? Do I already have that or do I need to seek them out? How? It could be seeking out trainings. It could be as formal as hiring coaches. But maybe no maybe it’s about letting go of ambitions that actaully get in the way of my thriving. Maybe is has to do with trust. I have trust issues. Do I trust the people around me to help me if I need it? How can I move toward a knowing that the outcome is good even if the jouney there was terrible? Like all that, “the mountain nearly killed me but the view was worth it,” stuff.

I’m not getting the feeling that I need to do much in that corner.

The Child point day whatever: what I drew

This is the drawing that I did this week. It was a busy week.

The Child Point Day two: from the point

I’m jammed in as close to the point as I can get and still type. This is a pretty good aspect of the room a shifted angel from the partnership point equally able to see the full scene. So it would make a good camera angle too.

I can see most things. the opening of the closet is nearly completely blocked by the bookshelf and I can’t see any of the contents of the other book case by the door. I can see the ladder and trash can.

One thing that could be different would be the content of the shelves I may want to move some of the items currently in the corner shelves over to the more accessible one next to the closet. Specifically the art supplies. Not sure though because I don’t want to overcrowd things. When selves and storage things get over crowded they are not really useful.

It has been good to have this corner open. I actually pulled out my guitar the other day. I don’t know if that will ever be a regular thing. I suppose if it became part of my gig it would have to. But that doesn’t seem necessary today.

This room is starting to look more like an adult lives in it. I just noticed the thing on the white board that has my Q1 goals. The only one that I definitely will have done is the taxes.

Actually having this curtain the way it is isn’t terrible. I still think changing out the color might be good for me. If I move the ladder I could hang the painting over there. That would make more sense and feel less incomplete. My dad made that ladder when I had my bed lofted. But I am not doing that anymore.  I hope that I can do creative things over here regularly moving the painting stuff out this side of the room will totally help make that easier.

The Child Point day 1: facing the point

There is a window facing the intersection of a street here. In front of that a yoga mat and beside that my writing desk. Oh, and that broken curtain rod. Obviously the curtain rod is an issue.

Facing this point I see the interesting world out there, or I would if the curtain weren’t in the way. I have it rigged to open toward the middle instead of the sides like normal people do. When I made this curtain I was being lazy and keeping the fabric all in one piece but the rod is supported in the middle because this window is a wide one so I couldn’t push it to the side without splitting the fabric.

The child point is about experimentation, play, creative learning, things like that. So it is appropriate to have some whimsy over there. There are butterflies on the curtain. I have been considering replacing the curtains though, I’ve had these for 13 years now. But I am not getting a strong sense of what to replace them with.

It could be interesting to hang some thing in the middle that catches light like a prism or that evokes some natural and playful element. I have been called creative most of my life. I can’t get away from making things. It’s one of the ways I feel better about myself in times when I’d rather not deal with things. I’ve been thinking about business lately. I know there are creative elements to everything we do. I don’t know why artist fight doing business. What’s up with that stereotype?

I don’t have a lot of stuff coming up today. I might want to relabel this point for my practice though because not everyone has children so it can be weird to figure out what meaning of child we are working with. It is whatever it means to that person. So for me this point is really the creative play point out of this grows the business and other manifestations.

Yeah, the acton thing is fixing the brackets for this curtain rod. The next thing might be deciding what curtain might be better in this room. The current one is red and black mostly. We might try an earth tone? I might get some boring fabric and over die it crazy colors. Something to remind me that life is vibrant. I could then use the current curtain fabric to make red statement pants! 😂

Partnership Point lost track of which day this is

Here are a coupe drawings I made over the past few days that say something about partnership.

They have different moods don’t they? Also, I gave up on figuring out hair, haha!

Partnership Point day 2: from the point

This is the point that has a view of all the other points with out any interference. I see clearly the knowledge point which has been blocked up to now. It looks pretty good actually.

This is the command position in this room. I see all the windows and doors easily form here. If this was the corner office the desk would be here. It’s not though, there’s nothing here.

Moving the ladder and possibly editing the contents of the book case that I can see are the only improvements that jump out at me today. I might want to actually hang the paining up instead of having it propped up against the wall. Nothing seems to be sitting level or straight in this room. Painting over the parts that are not proper painted, maybe going a darker color on the walls. But that would be a very involved project.

It’s very good to have an empty corner and since it is opposite the door it’s like theres nothing the eye can get stuck on here. In this corner is where a camera would sit if this were a set.

From a place of secure attachments my life looks ok, currently not overly crowded. Yeah, having the floor clear is really important for me. I can’t see what’s on the grey book shelves but I know those are where some major work needs to happen. For sure getting rid of the ladder should happen.

I can imagine how a stranger might experience this room. I guess we should think of the view from this corner as the one of most familiarity. because it’s kind of the backside of things from the perspective of the door. If I were entering I am looking at this corner, but being in this corner is me seeing what’s coming in. If the door were in that more ideal career area they would face the window first and I’d see them before they see me. It would be off to the side in a blind spot. Interesting. But because of how this house is built the person entering this room first sees this corner. It’s like they walk in on a couple. So having it empty or very intentionally guarded makes sense. A desk is a barricade. I’m not moving the desk here though that does not fit my current situation.

The Partnership Point Day 1: facing the point.

Ok, usually this point is called the Marriage Point but that’s not a given situation anymore. I prefer to think of it as the partnership point. This area is about those one-to-one relationships that are long term commitments requiring good communication practices and intentionality.

Today that area of the room is empty. I had a bookcase over there but that is the one I moved a while back because it made more sense for this corner to be empty. Since I made that change the energy is flowing clearer in the room. This also reflects more accurately my current state of partnerships. I don’t really have them, not by the above definition. So this will remain empty for now.

It’s totally fine to have an empty area. When we are in scarcity mind we tend to stuff things into areas where they do not belong. I don’t want to be like that. Emptiness can be an invitation. Whatever partnerships I think I need in my life can show up in that corner. First in a vision then in an actual marker. After all Feng Sui can be a physical way to pray.

Reputation Point day 2: Reflection

It was another busy week. The drawing I made this time isn’t exactly a picture of what I think my reputation is but it is the one I made this week and it took a while because there is so much going on in it.

I have no idea what my reputation is. haha!

Reputation Point day 2: from the point.

I have the street at my back all the sounds of cars going by is quite loud here. I see the closet in front of me. There are relationships between these points. The career point and reputation often reflect each other. The things I see here might be what other people see when they look at my life. Like in a superficial kind of way.

There’s a little of a lot of things. The blind spots for this point are wealth and marriage. But isn’t that how reputation is often measured? Since I did clear out quite a lot from the floor space I’m not seeing anything major to edit from this point of view. I can’t see the clutter that is left in the knowledge zone. I also can’t see the guitar on the floor under me.

Ok one thing that might need to be addressed is the inside of the closet the curtain is covering what’s going on in there. It is not exactly contained. There are a few items that should go away and it would be good to have baskets or something for the cloths. They are piled however on the shelves and can jump off to the floor whenever the fancy takes them or I’m in a hurry. If I can clear the floor in there and get some containers for the shelves that would make it neater. Yeah this is ok.

I got up late today and want to take is slow but have chore stuff to do. So like that curtain rod that I still haven’t done a thing for, the closet will wait a bit.

Reputation Point day 1: facing the point

It’s a window. There are curtains on it. There’s a crack in the ceiling from the light to the wall. There isn’t much room to do things there. So it will be relatively empty. The guitar had been under the window but I did move that book case that had been to the right of it and so the guitar is now just to the side of the line toward the marriage point.

So what does this bring up? Well, really my reputation is out of my control. In a lot of ways it ends up being window dressing! This window dressing may not reflect the direction I need to go in. I’m increasingly thinking that for me it is better to maintain a minimal environment. Lot’s of space. This might be because I feel kind of crowded in my head frequently.

This room is not warm. Loading it with objects or piling fabric in here might help but then I’d feel closed in and that I couldn’t move. I have the goal of keeping things off the floor. This will mean some deep editing, getting rid of the crap left over form failed projects and whatever. Part of me was all for making me use the stuff but that has turned into a burden not worth bearing. I want to be efficient.

Anyway what do I want my reputation to be? Not sure. It’s a tricky thing to voice. I want to be friendly but not too friendly. Accomplished in what matters to me. I think my reputation is easygoing, wise, patient, but I’m not sure. Whenever a self assessment asks about what others think of me I get frustrated because I don’t know there are many people in the world and they don’t see the same things in me.

It seems that this point will not need much done to it or around it. Maybe change out the curtains but that’s not such a quick thing. I still have the other curtain rod to deal with. I suppose looking at the room in general one thing that would align it better with the sort of person I hope to be would be upgrading the furniture to something coherent and not so slapped together. I could have a more proper bead stead and shelving situation over here. Yeah, today’s thing is getting rid of the stuff on the floor and moving it along. I could do a thrift store run this week, tomorrow maybe even. But I can’t let this project distract me from doing the taxes. I think this is about all I have to say.

Wealth Point Day 7: reflection

It turned out to be a very busy full week. Not a lot of time for introspection and thought doodling.

I did make this drawing as a picture of wealth. It is a silly one. I learned that I still don’t know how to draw cats!

One thing to look into is what it means to have intellectual property. I think that would be good to add to the wealth mix. I have some already but I do not know what to do with it.

Wealth Point day 2: from the point

What I noted right away was how in the peripheral the reputation point is when I am as close to the wealth point as I can get. The family point is also in the peripheral but not as much. I face the Help/Travel point from here. There are a few things in that corner of the room that totally make sense, the desk is there along with quite a few items related to my jobs and work in general. Though I do not store the computer there.

What is jumping out at me from this view? Well, I haven’t done anything about the curtain rood situation. Quite a few items are on the floor over there. I am considering moving a shelf unit over there but the one I’m sure I want to move is the one on the exposed corner of the house and I’m not sure if I will feel psychologically ok with that being empty.

From here I do see the career point but not the Knowledge point. I think I do want to do something about the storage in the travel corner mainly because I don’t think the camera should just sit on the corner of the desk. On the other hand I want to actually start using the thing more. I haven’t done much with it in a year. I really haven’t used the microphone either. Which is sadface.

Part of that is time I think. I don’t set aside time to just do a small project with these things. I think it makes sense to have an office set up over there like all the office things over there. So yeah, it’s worth moving the book case over there just to see how it feels. Then that stuff on the right end of the desk could get moved and I’d have more desk space for actually writing or assembling things.

We can talk about how things look form the perspective of our wealth. Like, hi, there are things that may not be so clear if we are in the middle of our wealth looking out at the world. Things that would be clear are things related to play, travel and career. Those would be the clearest. The rest are skewed badly from this point.

How is that reflected in actually experience? Well, it does seem to track pretty well. Wealth does involve those three kinds of things often at least if we are thinking mainly of money. But even if we measure our wealth in terms of hours spent doing as we please these three would be visible. We have a career whether it involves job or not.

Wealth represents the potential of participating in people’s lives and going to them. From the wealth point we could look about and see what sort of land we’ve created for ourselves. Does this room look happy and in harmony? Almost. It seem that there is a sense of not knowing what to do with the space. Like the thing about the book self being in the other corner where emptiness may be more appropriate. So that goes on the changes list. I’ve got fix the curtain rod and move the book shelf and filing cabinet. They would be happier in the travel-career zone. Not sure what to do with the corner that would be empty but that will reveal itself eventually. I kind of want to go for the furniture moving now.

Wealth Point day 1: facing the point

What I can see from here is the book shelf in the corner. The top shelf which is closest to the location of the point in the room holds a glass jar, a little jam jar with facets, it is open as though to receive something. Below that there is a pile of handwoven cloths, then my spare pillow case.  Below that the art supplies. Below that, where I can’t see them now, are old journals. The top of the book case is empty.

There are other things on the shelves but they aren’t on the wealth line. They are headed toward the reputation point. In fact it’s interesting that my hoard of pennies and other small change is right on the boarder between wealth and reputation almost like saying money is more about how I want other people to see me? It’s a thought.

I read a thing in a book recently about what wealth is: wealth is a person’s ability to survive so many days into the future or something. Anyway we typically think of money as the unit of measuring wealth but isn’t it imaginary? If I want a lot of money units I have to acquirer assets. assets make money. This is all financial horse sense. The challenge is when money cannot guarantee survival. It cant’ be the only unit of security.

one thing I wrestle with is how much effort I should put into doing the “rich people” things. I really don’t want to make a lot of decisions. It’s not a matter of cowardice. It’s just that it really puts me into a deep existential crisis every time and when I don’t decide other people sort of “force” me to do things they way they feel comfortable doing them.

I don’t want to be a billionaire, or rather I don’t want to put in the work to get there. I would rather cover my living expenses and have the space to doodle through the day. Is it possible to become wealthy on a part time income? God I hope so. Seems impossible in this economy. After all our system is feudalism under different names. I’m a peasant! Wheee!

So for me what is wealth? What do I need to collect to feel generous? Isn’t that the real sign of wealth the ability to be generous, not be concerned about the things. Have faith that tomorrow is going to be fine and if it is stressful that’s temporary and it will come back around to good. I like the idea of operating that way not sure I can actually pull it off.

Anyway what I have in the corner could be turned into assets. I could use the hand woven cloth, sell it or develop ip around the making of it. The art supplies are a similar story . In fact my business may be the development of ip. That’s something I can look into as a next step in learning how to do this sort of thing better. I also have the nagging voice in me telling me to write my will and arrange my financial affairs so that someone could take them over smoothly when I kick off. I do not know who that would be though. #SingleLifeProblems.

Health and Family Point: day 6 a reflection

Yesterday I had too much going on to be introspective. That’s life! Among the things that came up was my involvement in a group. Family is not exactly the same for everyone and this group is a proxy family for a lot of people but is it one for me?

Maybe it would be best to think of family as those who you are in contact with regularly. If you see them about once a week they qualify. This of course would mean that, for a season, even the annoying customers or patrons would be family. I work for a public service there are a collection of smelly men who are a part of my familiar world.

Some people we reject. It’s a repulsion feeling like magnets with the same poles facing each other refusing to touch. The close family is who you eat with and the closest is who you would sleep around. It takes some of the complex feelings out of the equation if I think of family in this way.

I don’t have to like everyone or trust everyone but they are still some how part of my tribe. Right, by extension all humans get included eventually because people come and go from our life and they become members of a past family.

Ok what kind of action can promote harmony in my immediate family the one I sleep around say? Sleep around is tricky because we jump to sexual ideas so fast. What I mean is would I feel comfortable and get ok sleep if I fell asleep in the same building as this person? It gets more intimate the smaller the space we are talking about.

We who have suffered emotional and spiritual challenges need family or we’d die. I was reading the twelve traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous and found them really hugely deep but simple. There is and emphasis on group harmony and how they saw that alone they would not be able to maintain their practice of sobriety but in the society of fellow strugglers there was hope and that was enough to keep them going moment to moment.

Too bad we are social creatures. It is so inconvenient to have to communicate. I am wrestling myself on a particular subject the above mentioned group participation. I do have one foot in and one out on almost every thing out there. I would like to not constantly ask myself if I am staying or going. It would be a relief. I guess this is why we tend to make things definite, like, labeling people family, or friend, or enemy. We think there is a protocol to follow once the label is affixed and that we will never have to figure out if the person is safe or not again. They will be frozen into this broad role based on repulsion or attraction. Nope. Not what I experience. I had focused a lot on individual actions leading to health in my past. Today I see that it’s a group effort and that actually terrifies me.

Health and Family Point: day 3 and 4

Yesterday morning I woke up with an image in my mind of what health and family felt like and knew I had to draw it to the best of my ability. It is interesting that I do not think of crowds of people. I seem to always see myself individually. I am happy there is a cat with me through. Weirdly I have drawn myself as a happy man singing in the kitchen. I do not identify as male, though to be sure I have a dude streak in me. There are plants on the sill because that is a sign of life and growth. I don’t know why the cabinets ended up red.

I struggled a lot with drawing his hands.

This image is a place holder or rough draft of something I invite into my life.

I did take down the tripod and put it away. I will see about the curtain rod later. I am reading four books right now that all have a, “organize your life” kind of message. I am getting a lot of ideas about what I ought to do about a few things. I do this kind of thing when I have determined to focus on one thing. I tend to want to start everything els instead of getting the one thing done! Could that mean that part of me is stuck in the past?

Oh it’s like I’m so excited and want to do things that I lose focus. Like, a puppy so beside itself to have a new bone it can’t pick one thing to do with it.

Health and Family Point: day 2 assessment from the point

I have discovered a very nice little nook situation by sitting here. I am between the bed and a book shelf unit. I can see all the windows in this room and none of the doors. Wow, I hadn’t realizes that from here I can’t see three of the points; knowledge/spirituality, career and travel/networking are invisible. It has been the case for years because of how this room demands the bed be positioned and the fact that I do not sleep well facing doors.

There is a large window in front of me, we are on a corner and this is the corner room exposed to view of two streets. I like the window to a point. I have put two layers of curtains on it. The one closes to the window acts as a diffuser and privacy screen the one closer is for blocking out some light and decoration. It has butterflies flying upward printed on it. But the curtain rod is pulling away from the wall.

I see the play/child point clearly that is the first one I notice because of course it is across from the HF point. There is a tripod there right now and the window nothing else the floor is basically clear. Space for dancing you know.

The marriage corner is a hot mess. It would be better empty. I can see the bookcase from here and it is full of dreams, aspirations and half done things, and probably flat out junk. Oddly the filling cabinet is in that area too on the border between marriage and reputation.

I wonder if there is a masculine direction and a feminine direction to moving through the bagua map. Like, they start in family and the male goes into knowledge, career, travel, children, marriage? Woah, that doesn’t exactly fly, but might. The female would go wealth, reputation marriage. This makes sense with the traditional way marriages were done. Not what I thought would come up.

As to me here and now, from this point I see that there is a cut off or divide between knowledge, career and networking, and the health and family aspects. I can see the house plant though and this is where the hook that holds the bells and jewelry is this hook is not visible to half the room. But what does this bring up as far as what I want my family life to be like?

Yesterday I concluded that this point is about food. We can think of what feeds us: music, story, and ceremony feed us. Interacting with safe people feeds us. The family is a group that I can relax and play in. It is also a source of nourishment and refuge for healing. It should be comfortable but not too comfortable. In some ways having it buffered from the career makes sense. Especially in this culture where career is a monster that can take over your life and boss you around if you aren’t careful.

Is there an action sitting here suggests? Well, putting away the tripod. That doesn’t need to be there. Right, and doing something about the curtain rod. And clearing out the clutter in the marriage corner especially the stuff on the floor. Freedom of movement seems important. Having the floor clear signals to me that there is space to move in.

The Health and Family Point: day 1 assessment facing the point

I have been focused on health and wellness since I was 19. Its roots are in my family so it started even before then with the spiritual life and my mother’s profession. These were major influencers in my choice of identity. That identity has always been called into question by my own doubts and the trends of society. There are a lot of ideas about health. What is health? Until I have my definition of health I will pursue empty ends. This is the hard thing for so many years it was someone out there something out there is my answer and sure I would know it when I saw it. Now though I wonder if could know it.

On my wall at the health and family point there is a note about how I must peruse my goals, the goals of my child self. It is in the corner of a bulletin board. Maybe this is related to the family thing, that for so long I had put aside my hopes and projects out of the belief that we had to take turns and that eventually it would be my turn. I trusted that the adults would see me and go along with my ideas eventually. But in the waiting I lost the ability to talk about those ideas. That led to withdrawing and inaction then to the tendency to feel helpless and shut down.

Above the note is a butterfly pin. Butterflies are hopeful and uplifting because they fly. We find them beautiful. But if you think about the short life of a butterfly it is clear that beauty is short lived and often violent. The butterfly world is brutal, so was growing up. All of this experience is temporary and I could be excused to some extent for giving up and wallowing in a nest of familiar things, that would be easy.

Family is at the root of everything. What I was gifted and how to develop those gifts. Ways of working often run in families. What work have we bread for? Some dogs are guard dogs, and some heard, and others are just silly. What kind of dog am I? There’s the kind I want to be but that’s different form the one I am today. There’s the kind of family I want to have and then there’s the one I do have and then there’s the one other people imagine I have. It can get complicated.

The cork board is painted grey and white and black. It gives the impression of dark moody rain for me this is calming. The wall is also grey, the paint is pealed a bit where the bed used to be. If I look down there is an electrical receptacle and the edge of my bed. My family has been a source of security for me they have supported and protected me my entire life in a way that I hear other families do not. I am grateful.

What do I hope for in a family and in my own health? I feel that this theme is more about the kitchen than the gym. About nourishing things. Like, really getting into what nourishes me so that I can flourish and do the work I am called to do. So to me this point is about house and food and those with whom I share it. Whether they are visitors for an hour or long term residents.

Hospitality on the wealth side and spiritual formation on the other. In Feng Sui family sits between wealth and knowledge. Beginning from our family the knowledge given to us leads to the business we do and our collective wealth leads to a family reputation. These are things that come form our family system. Our decisions about these matters will shape what we pass on to the next generation.

One thing to do: tidy up regularly. Why? because then I can see clearly what is here and feel organized. when I have kept a space functionally organized and do the work to maintain that I often feel able to move past a block. The other thing I’ve noticed is a tendency to worry about logistical things especially food when I anticipate a very busy season. It gets to the point where I sort of short out and not do the thing that would support me best. Like how I ended up eating mostly chips and crackers yesterday…sigh. I expect that maintaining an organized environment will help make feeding myself easier.