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I hear the birds waking up vocalizing their existence. Why do they do that? I think some humans do that to yelling cheery good mornings and banging the pots and pans. 

What else?

What can I tell you?

Some days this will be garbage, this post will be garbage, because my mind is not a prose factory. 

I’ve noticed that when I see things telling me to have confidence, or whatever quality has been deemed the cure for my stuckness, I get angry. I think this is because the prescription was done from such a distance and speed that it was the wrong one. It’s as though the doctor, or expert, drove by at 50 miles an hour and they free associated off the blurred impression of my condition. It feels too out there and not very personal. What if there advice is not some thing I need to do for myself but something that needs to be done for me? I mean, what’s the set up? Meet me half way. I can’t do everything.

I start over a lot. I don’t just free type. I wish I could flow this out. I keep pausing and trying to spell things. Maybe if I close my eyes and type, something interesting will come out. not sure about today though, I am tiered an anxious this morning. It’s the food run, and teaching, and not feeling great, the suspicion that I am actually sick and should lay low and call in sick. Calling in sick is a hassle, and yet I need to be ok with doing it. If I feel like total crap and have to call in then I can’t worry about calling a list of people to cancel the business of the day. I just have to do it. Still when I feel like crap the last thing I want to do is tell people about it.

There was rain last night and that is soothing for me. The thunder did wake me but only for a moment. What really woke me was my brother walking around before he went to bed. That can’t be avoided.

We could think through the special feelings we have for weather. I love rain and wind . I don’t know why. They feel right to me much better than pleasant sunny days. Heat in its season is ok. There will always be a special place in my heart for rain. It could be because I was born in a water year. It could be because I was born in a desert region, or that water is sacred to humans. I don’t know. I wonder if you know your element the one that soothes, or that can calm you down and makes you settled? This could be good information. 

What if I could get to the point where I typed about as fast as I think? Then some kind of stream of consciousness typing happened and when I opened my eyes I would know better what I had thought. I don’t think punctuation would be a thing in that so it would take some editing to make it readable. I also know the typos will be gnarly.